Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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