i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
