I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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