Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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