Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
