I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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