her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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