What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
