is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
whose parrot is this?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
