I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
