I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
