I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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