I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
