in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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