So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
