Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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