Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
