I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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