I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
