remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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