thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
