Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
