your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
