Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
