i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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