saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
