I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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