so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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