I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Panties = found
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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