I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
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We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'm too high and old for this...
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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