Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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