We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
