My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
