Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
