What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I lost the right to judge tonight
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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