everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
