Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
