I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize