I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
