Your tits are I can't wait for
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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