I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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