I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
