There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
