I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I deserve this hangover.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize