just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
