He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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