What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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