i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
