whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Randomize
