my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
