Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
