i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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