Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i drank out of a bidet.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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