I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
