I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
