If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
