My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
