bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
