I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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